Time of Testing & Rejection

I have been going through a time of testing for the past year. There have been different courses of action I could take, each of which is Biblical. However, the Lord has been silent in many ways about what I should do. I am starting to see that part of the reason for His silence is what I would do if He spoke.

You see, I am committed to the Lord and He knows that if I knew the right answer to my current situation that I would do it. Somehow, though, I'm not sure He cares that much in this case whether I can figure out the right answer or not - because at some level finding the right answer is a means for me to manipulate God and sacrifice who I am. That is because my rejection issues have helped to create a real people-pleasing streak in me that has led me to ignore who I am in order to be who others want me to be.

So, I think this time of testing for me is not a test of what I will do, but more a test to see if I will choose to be genuine with God - true to myself before Him.

So, there are two options before me. I can try to determine God's will and just do it. Or I can wrestle with Him and be honest about myself and my desires instead. In the first option, my actions and my relationship with God are based on a fear of rejection. In the second option, my relationship, because it is honest to who I am, is based on acceptance by Him. If I do that second option, then even if my desires are off the mark, I am putting myself in a place to allow Him to love me as I am and transform me into who He wants me to be. This is vastly different from taking the more expedient route of just figuring out what He wants me to do and doing it.