Time of Testing & Rejection

I have been going through a time of testing for the past year. There have been different courses of action I could take, each of which is Biblical. However, the Lord has been silent in many ways about what I should do. I am starting to see that part of the reason for His silence is what I would do if He spoke.

You see, I am committed to the Lord and He knows that if I knew the right answer to my current situation that I would do it. Somehow, though, I'm not sure He cares that much in this case whether I can figure out the right answer or not - because at some level finding the right answer is a means for me to manipulate God and sacrifice who I am. That is because my rejection issues have helped to create a real people-pleasing streak in me that has led me to ignore who I am in order to be who others want me to be.

So, I think this time of testing for me is not a test of what I will do, but more a test to see if I will choose to be genuine with God - true to myself before Him.

So, there are two options before me. I can try to determine God's will and just do it. Or I can wrestle with Him and be honest about myself and my desires instead. In the first option, my actions and my relationship with God are based on a fear of rejection. In the second option, my relationship, because it is honest to who I am, is based on acceptance by Him. If I do that second option, then even if my desires are off the mark, I am putting myself in a place to allow Him to love me as I am and transform me into who He wants me to be. This is vastly different from taking the more expedient route of just figuring out what He wants me to do and doing it.

Comfort, Stress & Failure

I have come to understand that all of life is stressful. I know that sounds a bit trite, but hold on. Most of us, whether we realize it or not, think that life would be better if we were able to change our circumstances in one way or another. While that is true to some degree, we usually don't think of the new stress we gain from the new circumstances.

There is a stress to being poor and a stress to being rich, a stress to having a lot of responsibilities and a stress to being bossed around. None of us can escape it so we need to find a way to deal with it.

This is where comfort comes in. We all cope with the difficulties in life by seeking comfort. Sometimes, we receive comfort from God directly. Sometimes, it is through other people. Unfortunately, we are also constantly tempted to find comfort in unhealthy ways - for example: food, sex, alcohol, drugs, recreation, television, sports, etc.

Some of these are clearly wrong in themselves, while others seem more benign. The issue is whether our seeking comfort strengthens us to face the stress better or is merely an escape to avoid the stress. Perhaps an afternoon watching a movie is a good thing when you are feeling down. A nightly television zombie-zone because life is so overwhelming is probably not the way God wants us to be comforted.

I think many Christian leaders who have fallen are victims of unhealthy comfort. I do not want to excuse their behavior, nor do I want to say it was not sin. I do want to highlight that they are often subject to a level of stress and spiritual warfare that most of us do not encounter. I wonder if they had had healthy mechanisms for comfort built into their lives whether all of the leaders would have fallen.

In 1 Sam 30, David had just lost his whole family and possessions to Amalekite raiders. To make matters worse, all of his followers did, too, and they were talking of stoning David. In the midst of this great stress, we see in verse 6 that David found strength in the Lord.

God is the God of all comfort (2 Cor 3) and it is He who is our strength. The question is whether we will choose Him as our source of comfort or run after other things.

The Love of God versus the Love of Human Beings

The love of God and the natural love of human beings is of such different quality that it is hard to call them by the same word. God's love flows out of who He is. It is not based on anything about us - it is unconditional, yet fully emotional. Our love, on the other hand, is based on the object of our love, not on who we are. We love some people more than others because of what they mean to us. Therefore, our love always has an element of selfishness to it. This distinction between the basis of God's love versus our love is huge. This is especially true since our hearts are deceitful above all else (Jer 17:9). As a result, we walk through life with a selfish love and with a heart that is constantly trying to justify and deceive ourselves about our motives.

On the other hand, when we experience the love of the Father and walk in His love, all of our love needs are so completely and overflowingly met that we can love without any hidden motive or agenda. It is a freely given, genuine love that is based on the love we have, not the love we want. Just as apart from Christ we can do nothing (and yet we actually do a lot of things, just nothing that matters), apart from the love of the Father, we cannot love (although we can express the best human imitation of the love God wants us to walk in).

Why we don't seek His presence

I am more and more convinced that people do not experience the presence of God more for the following reasons (no particular order):

1. They were never taught how.

2. They were never taught to value the presence of God.

3. They feel unworthy, rejected, condemned or otherwise shunned by God and undeserving of His love.

4. They are so busy serving God that they miss out on being with Him.

5. They prefer a lower level of intimacy due to fear or control issues.

I'm sure there are more reasons. Maybe I will add to the list later.